An entry from my prayer journal. I just need to put it out there. God has been working so much in my life these last months, and I just need to share it.

December 5, 2010

“Fire fall down, fire fall down on us, we pray. Show me your heart. Show me you way. Show me your glory.” -Fire Fall Down by Hillsong United

God, college has been a completely different experience. Before I started, I wasn’t seeking you. I was lukewarm. I didn’t intend to change my standards and morals, but I didn’t intend not to either. I didn’t know what I wanted exactly. I just wanted people to like and appreciate me regardless of what it cost me. Then you got a hold of me. You shouted at me, “Who do you want to be? Is that really the life you want? The reputation? The consequences?” You showed me that my relationship with you is my own; no one else can live it for me. I must seek you on my own. I have to pursue you, get to know you, spend time with you. And now, here I am, nearing the end of my first semester. You have taught me so much and blessed me more than I could ever have imagined. You brought me Chi Omega and the beautiful girls in it. You showed me girls that actually want to be my friend, girls that live by the same standards as I do, girls that seek you as I have been learning to. You placed girls in my life to challenge and encourage me in my pursuit of you. In the past months, my cup has overflown. You have taught me to pursue you above all else. That relationships with boys are nothing compared to your romance. My focus is to be fully devoted to you. I simply cannot do that while looking for a husband. I have to completely, totally, wholly, and passionately devote myself, flesh and spirit, to pursuing you. And now, Lord, I stand on the precipice. Here I must choose to jump and follow you or stay put and keep living my “moral” life devoid of your glory and joy. Once I jump, I must change. I have to leave my comfort zone, my “moral” life, and live your life. The battle rages inside of me. My flesh yells that I’m doing just fine but my spirit yearns for more, for you. Satan tugs at my hand saying, “This way!” My spirit whispers, “Look to Christ!” And the battle rages. Because I know that once I draw near to you, I have no choice but to change. Your love compels me, God. You are more than my flesh can even understand. More merciful. More patient. More gracious. More loving. More beautiful. I am compelled to jump because not jumping is simply not an option. It brings me nothing but contentedness and lukewarm faith. Yet you have called me to be challenged and on fire. Jumping is my only option. You are more than anything I can hope for in life. To live in awe of you, following you and seeking you, is my only option.

“One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.” -Psalm 27:4

“Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” -Psalm 25:4.

2 things I’ve learned in my short time here at Oklahoma State University:

1. There is no such thing as free time and sleep. Here I am, at 1:45 AM, finally doing my homework. And blogging. Because I have been busy all stinkin day. Free time? What’s that? I am consumed by Chi Omega, pomping, study hours… Sleep? Who needs that? I have too much to do and too little time.

2. Everything, as a freshman, is about learning how to succeed in college. How to take good notes, how to pay attention in class, how to manage your time… Let’s be honest, I am a college student. I should probably know those things by now or we have some serious problems. Thanks for the help! But I got this under control, thank you very much.

The most important thing I’ve learned? HOW TO POMP. That is essentially the most important thing, because I will, of course, be pomping when I’m a 30 year old woman in my career. Right? Hah, no. Pomping makes me want to DIE, just sayin.

So, goodbye for now blog. I’m off to give up my life to pomping and studying and college. And besides, apparently it’s not cool to have a blog? I mean, it’s all good cause no one reads this anyways. It just makes me feel better about myself to put it out there.

Not the greatest thing in the world. Is it possible to develop insomnia for only a small amount of time? If so, you’re reading the blog of one such girl. One very unhappy and sleepy girl. It happens the same way every night (at least for the past couple of nights). My body gives off every sign on being tired. The heavy eyes, fatigued body, little energy. And I, the good steward of my body that I am, turn of my lights, crawl under the covers, close my eyes, and wish for sweet dreams. But alas, my body was lying. I toss and I turn. Open my eyes and close my eyes. Peek at the clock and peek again a few seconds later. Hoping for sleep to come. 10 min. 30 min. 1 hour. 2 hours. Still no sleep. Finally, at an ungodly time of night (we’re talking 4 and 5 in the morning), sleep overcomes me.

Can you see why I’m unhappy?! I am a girl that enjoys my sleep. I look forward to the times when I get the chance to catch some shut-eye. Insomnia ain’t my friend. He should go pester someone else! Unfortunately, I am his chosen target for now. So I might as well get some blogging in while he’s pestering me.

As most of my previous blogs have been about serious, thought-provoking, and emotional things, I think this one will be a little more light-hearted. I can never make up my mind about what my blog is supposed to be. A journal of my everyday activities? A collection of my thoughts and feelings? Or maybe a conglomeration of my many eccentricities? I suppose the indecisiveness in my posts displays my all-over-the-place personality. Yet, there are probably very few (ahem, no one) that actually read my blog so it actually doesn’t matter. Nevertheless, today I’m feeling like a journal of my everyday activities. Beware: the following paragraph is a detailed explanation of my entire week. Only the extremely bored should read any farther.

On Monday, I spent the evening with some OCS people. It was my first time hanging out with a group of OCSers since graduating. It seems like so much has changed since then. But really, it’s only been a little over a month! Crazy how much things change in such little time! We got some frozen yogurt at Peachwave (yum!), played volleyball outside (where we were promptly bombarded by hoards of mosquitos. Hello, 30 mosquito bites!), and went for a late night swim. In the end, it turned out to be a pretty fun night. On Tuesday, I had lunch with the fabulous Caitlin Sabolich at Cafe 7 (only the best cafe in town). I loved catching up with her! She is such a sweet girl, and I always have fun with her. Later, Myranda came over and we spent the day workin’ on our tans (hers was much darker than mine!). Luckily, Tuesday was still a normal temperature day so we didn’t melt (or scorch) in the sun. Plus, our tan lines turned out pretty nice. Of course, we were hungry after our day of laying out so we made our way to Johnny Carinos and had some delicious Italian Nachos and pasta. Sno cones were definitely needed after that, so we traipsed our way to Bahama Ice. Then, Pretty Little Liars (otherwise known as PLL) was calling our name. Naturally we answered. It was a lovely day. On Wednesday, I attempted to lay out, yet again, with Jill. However, it was scorchingly hot, and we ended up just swimming in the pool. On Thursday… well, nothing of importance happened on Thursday. But on Friday, Halle and I painted pottery at Picasso To Go. And, let’s be honest, I was not expecting to enjoy it. Yet, it’s a surprisingly wonderful activity. I highly recommend it. Finally, today I went shopping with my mom. And boy, did we find some amazing deals! It was a very successful shopping trip.

So, now that I have thoroughly bored any reader, I think I’ll stop. There’s only so much I can bore people with. I sincerely apologize if you wasted any of your time reading that. Blame it on the insomnia. I can’t be held responsible for things that I do when I should be peacefully sleeping.

Insomnia, I really don’t like you.

HARRY POTTER.

There are no words to describe my lifelong obsession coming to an end. It’s the end of an era of my life. I’m legitimately going to cry when it’s all over. Sob. Harry Potter is my life. MY LIFEEEEEEE. MY LOVEEEEE. No words. Just no words.

^This trailer will blow your mind. So GOOD.

I”M IN LOVE.

And the fact that I just posted a blog about this officially makes me a nerd. A geek. Whatever. I don’t really care. I LOVE HARRY POTTER.

As I begin to prepare for the year ahead of me, my passion and desire for Christ grows and strengthens everyday. Never have I been more aware of how much He works in my life. Never have I been more aware of how important my relationship with Him is. In these past weeks, I have felt more emotions than I think I’ve felt in my whole life. It has been a whirlwind of emotions. Everything I have ever known is changing, and my adjustment has been anything but smooth. I’ve come to understand how important God is in these hard times. As I’ve struggled to adjust my thinking and expectations to these changes, God’s loving care, his grace, and his comfort has surrounded me.

Yet it took me awhile to finally lay my struggles at his feet. In my stubbornness, I thought that I could handle it on my own. I thought I would just get over it in time. No matter how many struggles and trials I go through, I always try it my way first. And I always fail. Miserably. Yet each time, God is there to comfort and care for me.

Now, as I am struggling with these trials, the importance of my relationship with Christ becomes stronger and stronger. I know that things will only get harder. I have many more struggles ahead of me. Responsibilities and decisions will soon be confronting me, and my dependence on my parents diminishes. Now, more than ever, my passion to be strongly rooted and filled with Christ grows. Soon, I will begin to make my own decisions. I will start to build my life as an independent adult. I’m no longer an innocent child. Those days are behind me. The decision to have a relationship with Christ is truly mine now. There won’t be someone waking me up for church on Sunday. No teacher forcing me to memorize Bible verses. No school providing a mandatory chapel for me. It is all up to me now.

I’m scared out of my mind to go to college. Scared of the peer pressure. Scared of the opportunities that will inevitably arise. Even scared of myself a little bit. I don’t want to go to college and change who I am. Don’t want to change my beliefs and morals. Just scared.

As I struggle with these things, my desire to grow closer to God deepens. He is the only way I can make through these trials. His comfort and love melts away my fear and fills me with trust and faith in His plan. If I follow Him, He will navigate my way through the maze of confusion and decisions that lie ahead of me. The hard part is actually trusting Him and not listening to the nagging doubts in my head. Much easier said than done. But all I can do is try and try again.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”    -Deuteronomy 31:6

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof.”    -Psalms 46:1-3

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?”    -Romans 8:28-35

I AM a high school graduate.

Wow.

It’s crazy. You spend so much of your life doing one thing. The same thing. Everyday. Going to the same places. Seeing the same people. And now, I’m supposed to just change everything. Find a whole new routine. Go to a new place. See new people. Do different things. That’s a lot for one person to handle! Tomorrow, I am enrolling at OSU. It’s all beginning. And I feel lost. Confused. Behind. Unsure. Scared.

Yet. There’s excitement for things to come. Joy for change. Interest in new things.

I don’t think that I truly feel these changes yet. I’m scared and excited and interested and all of these emotions. But nothing has actually changed yet. It still feels like just another summer. As if I’ll return to OCS in August. But I won’t. I don’t truly feel that. But I dread the day that I do. Change is hard for me to handle. It will be a bad day.

But….

Mama still says I’m a big girl now.

Even if I don’t feel like it yet.

It has been quite some time since I have blogged! I have been quite busy with life lately. What have I been up to, you ask. A multitude of things. Including…

• Obsessing over the Pioneer Woman Cookbook and gaining 10 lbs. in the process.
• Soaking up the sun in a place I like to call heaven.  Otherwise known as JAMAICA.
• Wasting all my time watching Glee. And then thinking about it incessantly until I can watch it again.
• Procrastinating more and more work. You know, the usual.
• Practicing my singing skills in the mirror, you know, just in case.
• Going to every place known to man in pursuit of a prom dress. Don’t worry, I found one.
• Basically thinking about Harry Potter all the time. I mean, when I’m not thinking about Glee. Duhh.
• Being wayyy too excited about the senior trip.
• Avoiding all forms of schoolwork at any cause.
• Waiting… and waiting… and waiting to go to COLLEGE.

And that’s just a small list of the things I’ve been up to. I mean, not that anyone really cares or anything. It just makes me feel better to put it out there. Youu knowww.

Thought for today:

I really wish my life was an episode of Glee. Really. How cool would it be to randomly break out in song all the time. Skipping down the halls, singing…. Ahhh, if only.

Now really, down to business. Blogging. About important things. Like graduation. In 4 weeks. I cannot believe that it’s actually happening. It’s surreal. This is the moment you dream about. From the time you start school, you think about graduating high school. As a kindergartner, you look up to the “big kids,” the seniors. Now, after 12 years, here it is. THE moment. Graduation. After May 24, I am no longer a high school student. I am a part of the whole, big world. I am a college student. 4 years away from being on my own completely. Like I said, surreal. After May 24, there’s not a dress code to my life. If I wanna wear shorts to class, I can do that. Ahhh, the simple realization of that small fact. Everything changes. Friends, classes, rules, everything. In 4 weeks, everything changes. I just can’t believe that the moment has actually arrived. I’m scared, excited, nervous, ready, not ready, anticipant. I’m just one big oxymoron. A whole mess of contradictions. I’m not sure what to expect in this new era of my life, but I’m excited to find out. I’m nervous to make the wrong decisions, but anticipating getting to make the decisions. I’m ready to be on my own, but not ready to leave the comfort of my family. Just a whole mess of contradictions.

But I still have 4 weeks to enjoy!

Today, I am thankful for my parents.

I finished reading The Last Song today, and it really opened my eyes. If you’re planning to read the book, don’t read past this! I balled through the end of the story. Her father died, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what I would do if either of my parents died. They’re always there for me, no matter what. They listen to me when I ramble about nothing and console me when I cry. They’ve given so much for me, and if they weren’t here I don’t know what I would do. The world would be empty without them. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with such wonderful and loving parents. Sure, we have our hard times but I am so thankful that God made them my parents.

Today, I am thankful for worship.

My favorite part of church is worship. I love to go to service and sing praises to my Father. I am grateful that we are able to spend time with Him in our own way. Some people spend time with him through Bible Studies and others through prayer and fasting. I spend time with through worshipping Him. I am so thankful that He has given us the opportunity to spend time with Him in our own way.

Today, I am thankful for God’s faithfulness.

I got my ACT score in the mail today. It has been my personal goal to get a 32 on it. I tried in October and didn’t do it. I tried in Februaru… and did it. God is so faithful. I know it seems like such a trivial thing to pray about, but I did. I prayed every day that God would give me ability to score a 32. It’s a very hard thing to do. After my try in October, I sincerely thought I simply wasn’t capable of doing it. But I prayed and trusted that God had a plan and would guide me through. And He did. He was faithful. I am ever so grateful for that. In my small group recently, we discussed how we pray to God. When we pray, do we expect Him to move in work in our situations? We should expect Him to answer our prayers. He is a God of omniscience, omnipotence, and omnipresence. He is mighty, wonderful, and caring God. We should expect Him to move and hear our prayers. Because if we don’t, we ignoring His power and might. If we don’t, we’re saying He’s not faithful. But He is faithful! And I am thankful for that.

Side note: This was supposed to post last night, but somehow it didn’t. I don’t really know what happened.