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An entry from my prayer journal. I just need to put it out there. God has been working so much in my life these last months, and I just need to share it.
December 5, 2010
“Fire fall down, fire fall down on us, we pray. Show me your heart. Show me you way. Show me your glory.” -Fire Fall Down by Hillsong United
God, college has been a completely different experience. Before I started, I wasn’t seeking you. I was lukewarm. I didn’t intend to change my standards and morals, but I didn’t intend not to either. I didn’t know what I wanted exactly. I just wanted people to like and appreciate me regardless of what it cost me. Then you got a hold of me. You shouted at me, “Who do you want to be? Is that really the life you want? The reputation? The consequences?” You showed me that my relationship with you is my own; no one else can live it for me. I must seek you on my own. I have to pursue you, get to know you, spend time with you. And now, here I am, nearing the end of my first semester. You have taught me so much and blessed me more than I could ever have imagined. You brought me Chi Omega and the beautiful girls in it. You showed me girls that actually want to be my friend, girls that live by the same standards as I do, girls that seek you as I have been learning to. You placed girls in my life to challenge and encourage me in my pursuit of you. In the past months, my cup has overflown. You have taught me to pursue you above all else. That relationships with boys are nothing compared to your romance. My focus is to be fully devoted to you. I simply cannot do that while looking for a husband. I have to completely, totally, wholly, and passionately devote myself, flesh and spirit, to pursuing you. And now, Lord, I stand on the precipice. Here I must choose to jump and follow you or stay put and keep living my “moral” life devoid of your glory and joy. Once I jump, I must change. I have to leave my comfort zone, my “moral” life, and live your life. The battle rages inside of me. My flesh yells that I’m doing just fine but my spirit yearns for more, for you. Satan tugs at my hand saying, “This way!” My spirit whispers, “Look to Christ!” And the battle rages. Because I know that once I draw near to you, I have no choice but to change. Your love compels me, God. You are more than my flesh can even understand. More merciful. More patient. More gracious. More loving. More beautiful. I am compelled to jump because not jumping is simply not an option. It brings me nothing but contentedness and lukewarm faith. Yet you have called me to be challenged and on fire. Jumping is my only option. You are more than anything I can hope for in life. To live in awe of you, following you and seeking you, is my only option.
“One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.” -Psalm 27:4
“Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” -Psalm 25:4.
